Your Favorite Jacket

Okay, well I guess they weren’t really shrooms.

Last night, I took some “headshop shrooms” I got from a smokeshop in Charlotte (Apotheca). They weren’t psilocybin, and since I got them from a smokeshop I really have no idea what they truly were, but my best guess is psilacetin (4-Aco-DMT).

I didn’t take them alone. Gigi was visiting from new york, and over the course of about 2 hours I took what I could only guess was 30mg of psilacetin (3 gummies from day tripper gummies brand). We were watching Princess Mononoke while we took them, and honestly, I didn’t feel much at first. It definitely felt a touch giggly, and things were a little more smooth, but nothing out of the ordinary. I did notice, however, that my body felt a lot more sensitive, and that I could feel things that I normally couldn’t.

After the movie, we decided to smoke some sativa, and that’s when things for REALLY interesting. It felt like not only did I get high, and my body was overstimulated and sensitive (normal for weed), it felt like my imagination was more vivid than it had ever been. Suddenly, I was seeing my own thoughts in vivid detail, and my body had ceased to really be in the bed I was laying in. I felt like I was floating, and that each individual part of my body was less of a tangible object, and instead just a sensation that I could feel.

Once again, it was like I wasn’t living my own life, just experiencing someone live a life and feel things. (Is this ego death, in a super small way).

Gigi was basicially having a panic attack the whole time, which I felt bad about, but there was really nothing I could do. I was too in my own head to comfort her much and was just kind of taking in the world as it was. Later we fell asleep, and things seemed to get better from there.

Today I feel a bit more calm, and maybe just a touch more disconnected from my own sense of self? Not anything major, and really could just be placebo.

Anyways, no other real updates, just wanted to chronicle this.

All love,

-writer

After a long summer of traveling abroad (which deserves a post in its own right), I am finally back in California, living in my childhood home once again. And for some reason, I kind of like it?

Humans are social creatures, and yet it always seems to surprise me whenever I (re)learn that I am a social guy. Spending time with friends back home, reconnecting with people from high school, and rekindling relationships that felt lost to time has made this world feel so much bigger and full of possibility! In the past week alone, I’ve talked to more and saw more people than I have for the past 3 years combined. Some people will always be my best friends, and I don’t think anyone will take over their place, but it’s still so refreshing to be able to make and form connections with people before I enter a new stage of my life alone. I don’t feel completely unequipped and finally have some faith that loneliness won’t entirely get me.

That being said, I’ve also taken a good look at myself over the past few weeks of being home, and I still don’t always know who is looking back at me. I’ve made decisions that I’m not proud of, but don’t entirely regret either. But also, I feel more equipped to be a normal human than ever before. It’s so odd. I feel like I’m taking advantage of all of my own (human) character flaws that just became apparent to me.

In the end, I’m just a guy. And honestly, I’m still learning how to just be a guy. But I’m not too upset with where life has taken me, and I am holding on to that feeling as best I can.

🙂

-writer

So many things have changed over the last couple of months. I am almost upset with myself for not posting here in so long. But on the bright side, I have so much to write about, and god knows I love to yap yap yap…

(cue another month long break in between starting this post and typing the rest of it)

My life has been so ridiculously different these last few months, it’s almost like everything flipped upside down. Suddenly, I’m not depressed, rarely anxious, and I am genuinely happy and excited to be alive? Even with things that I feel that I should be worried about, I find it extremely difficult to be. On top of all of this, the things that used to terrify me about the future (my job, etc.) are starting to make me extremely excited!

I mean seriously, I’m off BOTH of my antidepressants, which hasn’t been the case for almost 2 years. What the fuck is going on, right?

Could this really all be because of diet and probiotics? Maybe. I started taking my gut health really seriously, and the fog really did seem to lift. Taking daily fibers as well as S. boulardii immediately cut through a ton of my brain fog, and surprisingly enough, my depression. It even feels like my body is healthier, and it’s easier to put on muscle/not lose muscle when I am not exercising, which is absolutely wild!

I’ve also had to cut out a lot of other things in my life, including some people, which has bummed me out a bit. I care about them still, all of them, but in many ways, I was being dragged down, and I was holding them back as well. I want to apologize in many of these cases, while still holding firm boundaries, but I’m not sure how. I know I’ll probably just end up never seeing the majority of these people again, which is a bit bittersweet in its own right.

Regardless, life is good. I wanted to post an update, so I think I’m going to publish this. Will probably come back and make edits later or maybe start a whole new post soon. But overall, life is good, and I am finally happy for the first time in as long as I can remember!

After months of things going well, and then a little bit of time of them going poorly, I feel like I just completely fell off.

I’m drowning in work. I tried to take a leave from my job, and failed. And, everyone who I care about/want to get to know better I basically left out completely to dry. I’ve been a really bad person, and a really mediocre aquantaince.

But, my therapist insists I forgive myself and practice some compassion, which I’ve been trying to do. I did workout a bit this week, even when I really didn’t want to. I haven’t had access to my ADHD meds, which has been hellish for a variety of reasons.

But, I made it this far right? I am the person who pulled myself out of the hole in the first place. I fought to ger here. I fought to be happy. I fought to make everything feel okay.

Why should I think I’m not good enough now? That all this means I’m not doing enough or that I am doing something wrong? I am okay. I am good enough. And I love myself.

Things will be better because I say they will. Things will be better because I want them to. Things will be better because I deserve it.

I am a good person, and I have a good heart. I care for those around me, and I will care for myself, even if no one thinks I can. Even if I don’t think I can.

I love you all, and I love me.

-the writer

I hate this state.

I am so chronically bored. I sit and do nothing. I also may have developed an addiction to a video game just out of a fake sense of “i’m feeling burnt out”. I have to deal with constant guilt from all my family members. I went off my antidepressants AGAIN. And on top of it, the situationship that I didn’t even want, just left. I didn’t even want this, and tried to leave so many times (literally two days ago) but she insisted no. So of course, instead, she sets me up for failure and then leaves, just to tear away any sense of agency I had over my own actions.

I’m not even mad she left. I’m just mad she did it in a way that I feel like I lost control of my own life and my own wants and needs.

Surprisingly though, despite all this, I’m not depressed. I still feel pretty annoyed and frustrated, but it’s a stark difference to the genuine sadness and deep-seated pain that I used to experience all of the time, over much smaller things.

Anyways, that’s my whole update for the night. I haven’t worked out in like 3 weeks so need to get back to that. But I’m pretty happy without basing my self worth on any of that. I feel good.

Word vomit starts here:

I’m really fuckin mad at her, and really embarassed that I let everyone down (my bosses, my tutoring company bosses, etc.). But this will pass, I and I know I have it in me to fix all this. It’s just hard, and I feel tired. But this will pass.

I can be embarassed and mad and it will be temporary. I can feel guilty and dejected and it wont last. And even writing this feels great. THank you for being by journal.

Good times will come, and I love the people who are still in my life.

And holy shit does finding that out make life better.

Note: I started writing this on 11/30, and now it is effectively 2 weeks later (12/11). On the downside, I am still horrendously bad at procrastination. On the upside, I can be very confident that this MTHFR stuff is actually real.

I was recently made aware of the fact that I am a subpar methylator during a meeting with my psychiatrist, trying to figure out what my best option is for an SSRI (I’ve been experiencing a lot of side effects and ~moderate effectiveness). My psychiatrist mentioned that a genetic test could find out what meds work best for me, and it could also tell me if I am not able to process folate effectively.

I ended up plugging my old 23&Me data into some genome analyzers and found out that I am indeed a subpar methylator. This was a relatively underwhelming discovery for me at first. This was just another thing that I found out was non-optimal in my genome (the others being literal mental illness), and I couldn’t fix it. I saif f*** it, bought some pre-methylated b-vitamins and moved on.

Oh boy was I wrong.

I have never felt so good in my entire life. I have so much energy, so much calmness, and so much focus. I am no longer chronically exhausted by just getting out of bed. I didn’t realize how much I was fighting every moment of my life until it went away. If this is what normal feels like for everyone else, no wonder I always felt like I was falling behind. I feel like I’ve been carrying a 300lb weight on my back for the last 21 years of my life, and only now is my body starting to adapt.

Some things I’ve noticed:

• I have endless amounts of energy when I want to.
• I don’t need my stimulants just to be awake.
• My antidepressants are actually working
  • This one blows my mind. I forgot to take my antidepressant for literally one day and I could tell a difference. This has NEVER happened before. I also felt better off the antidepressants now than I did before when I was on them.
• My skin is clearing up.
• I need less sleep.
• I have been missing the gym, and I am still feeling strong.
  • This could be entirely placebo or a stronger sense of self esteem but I also feel like my body looks stronger/healthier as well.
• Even FOOD TASTES BETTER.

I genuinely cannot stress enough how life changing these changes have been. My body has been fighting for survival for 21 years of life, and I am just now finally giving it the nutrients it needs to fend for itself.

In a way, this has made me feel so resilient. I used to be scared that I would go to therapy, get better, and then feel like I wasted the first 21 years of my life trying to get better on my own and succumbing to my own pride. And while part of me still does feel that way, I really feel like I’m finally winning the negotiation with my own protector-self. It’s finally letting me move on, and let go of all these beliefs that have been keeping me held hostage in one place.

I love myself and everything I’ve done to help myself, but I want that part of me to know that it’s safe to move on now. I’ve fought for so long to let myself feel safe and happy. And now I’m finally calming down that little part of myself that keeps fighting.

It’s a surreal experience to feel like a new person at the age of 21. Perhaps this part of this post was best posted on its own, and I may switch it over at a little date. But this is where my mind took me. Suddenly the world feels big, bright, and exciting. I feel curiosity and I want to play and learn and the feeling that I can do so for the rest of my life is so special to me. Finally I understand why life is so special. And I am so so thankful for this revelation.

And all because I am a bad MTHFR… I guess?

-TI

Even when I don’t. And honestly, I have no idea why.

It’s been a few days since I last posted, so here’s a quick update on my life.

Recently, I’ve felt so ridiculously relaxed. I think it might be working through the trauma. It might be finally allowing myself to relax. It might be the new medications that I’ve been on lately. It might be the better boundary setting. But whatever it is, I LOVE IT!

Some of the changes I’ve noticed lately:

1. My acne (even on my back!!!) is clearing up.
2. I feel like I can breathe out of my both sides of my nose (this is insane to me).
3. I sleep so much easier.
4. I wake up feeling refreshed.
5. I don’t always feel my heart beat at all times.
6. And the most exciting: I feel so much HEALTHY anger

I’ m still learning what to do with all this new anger, and all the new energy that comes with it, but I am so glad it’s back. It can be overwhelming at times, but being able to set a hard boundary and say no is fantastic.

I’ve also realized that everything I think matters doesn’t matter. About 99% of the time that I make a verbal agreement, the other person immediately forgets. I overthink so much, and I actually see it now.

Anyways, that’s all. Will update again soon. Just had this on my mind, and really wanted to post about it.