I hate this state.

I am so chronically bored. I sit and do nothing. I also may have developed an addiction to a video game just out of a fake sense of “i’m feeling burnt out”. I have to deal with constant guilt from all my family members. I went off my antidepressants AGAIN. And on top of it, the situationship that I didn’t even want, just left. I didn’t even want this, and tried to leave so many times (literally two days ago) but she insisted no. So of course, instead, she sets me up for failure and then leaves, just to tear away any sense of agency I had over my own actions.

I’m not even mad she left. I’m just mad she did it in a way that I feel like I lost control of my own life and my own wants and needs.

Surprisingly though, despite all this, I’m not depressed. I still feel pretty annoyed and frustrated, but it’s a stark difference to the genuine sadness and deep-seated pain that I used to experience all of the time, over much smaller things.

Anyways, that’s my whole update for the night. I haven’t worked out in like 3 weeks so need to get back to that. But I’m pretty happy without basing my self worth on any of that. I feel good.

Word vomit starts here:

I’m really fuckin mad at her, and really embarassed that I let everyone down (my bosses, my tutoring company bosses, etc.). But this will pass, I and I know I have it in me to fix all this. It’s just hard, and I feel tired. But this will pass.

I can be embarassed and mad and it will be temporary. I can feel guilty and dejected and it wont last. And even writing this feels great. THank you for being by journal.

Good times will come, and I love the people who are still in my life.