And holy shit does finding that out make life better.
Note: I started writing this on 11/30, and now it is effectively 2 weeks later (12/11). On the downside, I am still horrendously bad at procrastination. On the upside, I can be very confident that this MTHFR stuff is actually real.
I was recently made aware of the fact that I am a subpar methylator during a meeting with my psychiatrist, trying to figure out what my best option is for an SSRI (I’ve been experiencing a lot of side effects and ~moderate effectiveness). My psychiatrist mentioned that a genetic test could find out what meds work best for me, and it could also tell me if I am not able to process folate effectively.
I ended up plugging my old 23&Me data into some genome analyzers and found out that I am indeed a subpar methylator. This was a relatively underwhelming discovery for me at first. This was just another thing that I found out was non-optimal in my genome (the others being literal mental illness), and I couldn’t fix it. I saif f*** it, bought some pre-methylated b-vitamins and moved on.
Oh boy was I wrong.
I have never felt so good in my entire life. I have so much energy, so much calmness, and so much focus. I am no longer chronically exhausted by just getting out of bed. I didn’t realize how much I was fighting every moment of my life until it went away. If this is what normal feels like for everyone else, no wonder I always felt like I was falling behind. I feel like I’ve been carrying a 300lb weight on my back for the last 21 years of my life, and only now is my body starting to adapt.
Some things I’ve noticed:
- I have endless amounts of energy when I want to.
- I don’t need my stimulants just to be awake.
- My antidepressants are actually working
- This one blows my mind. I forgot to take my antidepressant for literally one day and I could tell a difference. This has NEVER happened before. I also felt better off the antidepressants now than I did before when I was on them.
- My skin is clearing up.
- I need less sleep.
- I have been missing the gym, and I am still feeling strong.
- This could be entirely placebo or a stronger sense of self esteem but I also feel like my body looks stronger/healthier as well.
- Even FOOD TASTES BETTER.
I genuinely cannot stress enough how life changing these changes have been. My body has been fighting for survival for 21 years of life, and I am just now finally giving it the nutrients it needs to fend for itself.
In a way, this has made me feel so resilient. I used to be scared that I would go to therapy, get better, and then feel like I wasted the first 21 years of my life trying to get better on my own and succumbing to my own pride. And while part of me still does feel that way, I really feel like I’m finally winning the negotiation with my own protector-self. It’s finally letting me move on, and let go of all these beliefs that have been keeping me held hostage in one place.
I love myself and everything I’ve done to help myself, but I want that part of me to know that it’s safe to move on now. I’ve fought for so long to let myself feel safe and happy. And now I’m finally calming down that little part of myself that keeps fighting.
It’s a surreal experience to feel like a new person at the age of 21. Perhaps this part of this post was best posted on its own, and I may switch it over at a little date. But this is where my mind took me. Suddenly the world feels big, bright, and exciting. I feel curiosity and I want to play and learn and the feeling that I can do so for the rest of my life is so special to me. Finally I understand why life is so special. And I am so so thankful for this revelation.
And all because I am a bad MTHFR… I guess?
-TI