I wrote that title at 8:00am this morning in a ~slightly manic (albeit very enjoyable) mood. It is now 6:52 PM and I am not sure I feel the same sentiment.
That being said, I do think early mornings seem to be helpful, when properly rested. Today was less difficult than normal, even though I am extremely sleep deprived. Maybe that’s a testament to the progress I’ve been making? Really impossible to tell.
I also got prescribed a new medication today. Lucky me…? Propranolol to deal with the physical anxiety I experience so often. Excited to see how it works.
Very bogged down with work right now. Company I work for has me on an assignment that seems (and quite likely is) impossible to accomplish. And I have 4 major assignments for college due next week. I think I’m in for quite the doozy.
Anyways, I’m exhausted. Just wanted to say that I think there might be something to this whole getting up early and feeling motivated thing. Going to try to give it a real shot.
I just ended my weekly meeting with my therapist. I am always astounded at the sheer amount of new thoughts and ideas that were just sitting at the edge of my awareness that I’ve never got to shine the spotlight on before.
Really though, who makes the rules? I am always running away from fucking something up. — I don’t want to get a bad grade because that’ll cause me to get a worse job, then I’ll be broke and have no money and then xyz blah blah blah… — Who the fuck told me any of that even matters in the first place??? After some thought, I’ve decided to give you the following list:
Bullshit rules that someone made me internalize for no fucking reason:
You must make a lot of money (at least 3x the median wage in the US) because if you don’t, you’re going to live a dreary life with no food or fun. Oh, and even if you do make this much money you’ll still probably get stuck with an insane medical fee for some reason that sends you into endless debt that wrecks your life until you starve to death.
School matters SO MUCH. Oh, but it also doesn’t have anything to do with your intelligence. If you get a bad grade, you’re stupid and incapable. But if you get a good grade, you still probably lack common sense and have no real world intelligence or ability because school doesn’t really mean anything. But don’t forget, don’t fuck up in school… or else…
You need to RELENTLESSLY (sidenote: fuck you tim grover) work to improve yourself, otherwise you’re falling behind. There’s another kid somewhere in the world doing everything you’re doing right now and more. And he thinks it’s easier to learn than you. But also, no matter what you do (say it with me folks) there will always be someone bigger and stronger than you.
The only thing that anyone is going to care about when they see you is how athletic/muscular you are, and also your athletic achievements. This is necessarily true, even your employer for some fuckin reason? If you’re small and weak, you’re pathetic and no one will ever like you or care about you. But also, you’ve already lost your chance to achieve everything, because the only thing that matters was high school/college (which are both pretty much over).
This is the fun one. The only thing that matters is love. But also, you need to marry someone tall athletic and hot so your kids are tall and athletic. But that means you also have to be tall and athletic and hot or you won’t be good enough, because that’s all that people care about :'( Oh wait, did I forget to mention, the only thing really matters is love (which you won’t get anyways because you’re not good enough for her).
Noticing a theme here? I am. No matter what, you can’t win. There is a “but also” for every “You must“. No wonder I’ve never felt safe with myself and my achievements. Even if I did the right things, there is always a situation where that isn’t good enough.
Anyways, I spoke with my therapist today and realized that even though I didn’t notice it before, I was sill only chasing euphoria because (per rule 3) it at least feels like I’m gaining something, whether that be an accomplishment or even just a story. I was perfectly content putting away some time to go to a party, but never ever would I even think of being content sipping coffee at a cafe. What would I have to show for it afterwards? Nothing!!!
Valence Model of Emotions
My discoveries:
I HATE the red part of this graph. This is where I feel my heart pounding, head throbbing, chest tightening, etc.
The blue part of the graph sucks, but I’m comfortable there. I’m actually pretty damn well equipped to deal with sadness.
I chase the green like it’s the last bit of joy left in this world. All I do is try and find something euphoric. It almost feels productive to me for some reason?
The yellow is where I need to be. I’ve really never been there before. And whenever I am, I lose my fucking mind afterwards. How dare I want to be happy and relaxed? Think of all the more productive things you could’ve been doing this whole time? Pathetic…
Anyways. That’s all for tonight. If I think of anything else, I’ll add it here. Still getting used to this whole wordpress blog thing. So bear with be for a bit.
PS: Really wanting to take up photography. Might start seeing some posts about that soon.
This is new and exciting for me, just as I imagine it must be surprising for you. Contained on this page is a collection of my thoughts, feelings, and actions across time.
Enjoy your stay here. I feel safe here. I hope that you can feel it to.
PS: That jacket really does look good on most people.
